I've been doing some thinking. About life and momhood and me and goals and a lot of other things. Bear with me as I try to put some of them into words.
Let's start with yesterday and go backwards. Devin was working(as mentioned in my last post) so I got the kids ready for church and made it there early with all of us looking presentable. Not early enough for a soft bench but whatever. Early is pretty dang good for me. I even had some extra time in the morning beforehand so I got a few things done around the house. Well fast forward 30 minutes into church and I am so beyond frustrated with my kids that I pack everything up and drag them out of the building. I take them straight to the car, where I buckle them in and then just sit there and cry. I cried about how freaking awful my kids are and why the heck can't they just sit there like all of the other families and color quietly or whatever. Why do mine have to smear my dress with mushy crackers and throw the crayons and try, over and over again, to run up to the front where the speakers are? And then I cried because I missed my husband. And I was frustrated that I even had to be doing church alone in the first place. And then...I cried because I just felt like a huge failure. All of the other moms seem to be doing it just fine. There's a whole handful who don't have their husbands there every week and yet, they manage. Why can't I? Why is it so hard for me? I remember looking in the rear view mirror and watching them and thinking, "I can't get mad at them...they're just kids. It's my fault that things always go this way." A real high point, I know.
I was just going to go home but decided to just wait the last 30 minutes out in the car and let the girls go to their classes. I want them to learn something and what kind of example am I if we just leave all together? Again, I felt guilty for not even making it through sacrament, but at least I could get them to their other two classes. I pulled myself together and a little before it was time to go back in a friend of mine happened to walk by and said hello, and I just lost it again. I was a mess, I tell ya. But somehow I managed to stop the tears and go back in. Thank goodness that it was cold outside because it just washed the tears right off. Now here is the part where I'm supposed to write about how I heard something super inspiring and it totally turned my day around, but that didn't happen. I spent the next two hours in the hall with Bridger but that's okay because there's a lot of other people in the halls with babies and it was nice to chat with them. After church the kids were all forced to take naps and when everyone woke up things were better. Not perfect, but better.
So anyway, last night as I layed in bed thinking about how terrible the day had been and how I wished that things could have been better, and feeling guilty that I sucked at the whole church-thing-on-my-own, I decided one thing. And that's that we don't give ourselves enough credit. I feel like I spend a lot, A LOT of time feeling guilty about things. I feel it if I spend money on myself instead of the kids, or leave them with a babysitter to do something fun(or not fun, even). And especially if I don't get all of the things that I had planned for the day finished, like that stupid, stupid laundry that won't ever go away. I feel guilty if I don't discipline correctly or if I feed my kids Ramen noodles for too many meals in one week because I just don't feel like cooking a meal that no one will eat anyway. You know? Please tell me this is not just me, because then I'm in trouble:)
So in my thinking, I wondered, what is the point of all of this guilt? Of all of the self loathing because I'm not living up to some crazy standards that I have set for myself. Is it making me a better mom? No. Making me skinnier? I wish. All it's doing is bringing me down and causing me to feel like I'm a big failure. And the truth of the matter is that I'm not. I can't possibly be failing so badly that my kids have no hope for their future. I mean, Madeline knows what the spine of a book is called...that means she's gotten something! And they're potty trained. And of normal weights and heights. Clearly they are being fed. I feel like in society it's not appropriate to point out the good in ourselves...that we only focus on the bad so as to not sound narcisstic. But I think that it's good for us to just put that aside and think about the things that we are doing right for once. Who cares if we screwed up a few times today? There had to be something that we did okay on, don't you think? I've decided that I'm going to start making a daily list of 5 things that I did right. I'm sure I'll forget and feel a little guilty about it, but that's not the point. The point is to reflect on the day and point out the positives. Forget that you didn't get the laundry done and instead think about how you spent 10 minutes reading to your kids. Or that you got dressed for the day. Or whatever. I think if we all did this we would see a huge change in how we feel about ourselves. And ultimately that would lead to more happiness and better parenting. I don't know. Maybe not. But I'm going to give it a try starting today and see how it goes. Feel free to join me. I think it's time for us to start giving ourselves a little pat on the back for just surviving each day with mini tornados flying around ruining everything that is good and beautiful in our homes just because they can and are cute and "don't know any better" :)
My positives for the day:
1. All kids in the Buhl household received baths and clean outfits before 9 am.
2. The girls had a playdate with their friends.
3. I made a huge batch of alfredo sauce(enough for 9 meals) to freeze for future dinners.
4. Moved the girls carseats to the very back seat of the van. They have been wanting to sit back there for a while and now they are too far away to kick the back of my seat while I drive. Win!
5. ................
I can't think of a fifth yet. This is harder than you ould think. All of the things that I didn't get done are swirling around in my head and it takes effort to push them aside and focus on what I accomplished. I think this will get easier as time goes on though:)
11 comments:
#5: Making Kirie's day a whole lot brighter with your texts this morning.
Have I told you lately that you're my favorite? :) And hey, if you ever have to fly solo to church again you might be able to convince me to actually get ready and go with you. I can totally handle mushy crackers on my dress.
P.S. "I'm sure I'll forget and feel a little guilty about it, but that's not the point." This literally made me LOL.
Kids bathed and dressed before 9:00 am! In my book that would be worth 2 spots! Your awesome!
I'm pretty sure I just had an I'm-an-utter-failure post the other day. I would be sad if my husband worked that much too, so give yourself some credit for doing it on your own!
By the way, I loved your dresser redo. It is such a great piece!
I think you are great Darci. I loved your jacket on Sunday. Sorry for your rough day. I often fell like a crappy Mom. My kids aren't as smart as everyone else's, not well behaved and the list could keep going. I am going to try your idea about listing out some positives during the day instead of always dwelling on the negative. Thanks:)
Darci, this post made me laugh and want to cry at the same time! I feel like such a crappy friend! I should have been asking you to have your kids over so you could have some YOU time instead of you taking Ella. I should have been in your car with you instead of walking the halls in Sunday School because I forgot my scriptures. Being the equivalent to a single mom sucks! It gets lonely, frustrating, overwhelming, monotonous, and every day you wonder why you even try. You are one of the sweetest persons I know and admire so many great things about you. Keep your head up. I'm sure soon you'll be writing 10 things that went right.
And PS. . . .the spine of the book! HAhahhahaa! Ella points that out every time we read a book. That and the title page. And she sure enjoyed the corndog she ate at your house today. See, there's number 5. You fed your kids something other than Ramen noodles. :)
Dear Darci, you are beautiful, smart, amazing, so so so talented! You are doing such a good job! I watched Hadley snuggle up to you the other night, Bridger only wants you, Madeline is always running to you with some discovery or other. You must be doing something right! They totally adore you. I wish I could make you see just how wonderful you truly are. I admire you! Love ya!
You deserve such a huge reward for even attempting to take your three kids alone to church! The last time I did it, my two oldest snuck mini squirt guns in their little pockets and squirted a guy in front of us. Sad thing is I had no clue! I sat there thinking, "gee, my kids are so quiet I can finally hear a talk". It wasn't until I saw the water stream over the aisle in front and thought "who in the world would let their kids bring squirt guns to church?". Yep, I was beet red when I realized it was mine. Sadly, Larry was runnig late Sunday morning coming back in town. I had an opportunity to take the kids by myself and meet him there, but I cowardly waited til he walked in the door to go. Seriously, your effort will not go unnoticed! ;) you are awesome! And I love the idea of thinking about 5 positives. Most people don't know this, but I ALWAYS second guess myself and feel like I compare myself to others. It's toxic. For me, I learned that it's okay to tell people what you did good! Sometime I take it a little overboard though. ;) -Natalie
Thanks for the post- makes me feel better. However when I walked out of sacrament mtg my husband was still there and I only had ONE KID! But I always look around and wonder why my kid is the ONLY disruptive one! You are better than me, though- I decided to just leave and made him take a nap right then- then I laid in my bed and cried, feeling like such a failure. When really after walking the halls and the outside of the building (because he was even being disruptive in the halls) I could have waited 10 mote mins and stuck him in nursery, where he would have been fine and played, and I could have sat and listened in Sunday school and relief society- but no, I just went home and cried! :) thanks for making me feel slightly more normal! :) you are an amazing mom!
Darci you are amazing! Every mom feels the way that you do, even if they don't show it. One of my sister in laws once said to me - Motherhood is one big guilt trip! So sad but so true. You can't be too hard on yourself. Sundays are the worst for me too because I have no husband to help me out getting kids ready for church, I have to sit alone during Sacrament, then alone at home with them most of the afternoon. Even tho mine are older, there is still plenty of acting up during Sacrament!
Listing positives is a good idea. You know a lot of days, instead of writing a TO DO list in the morning and feeling disappointed when nothing gets accomplished, I write a GOT DONE list - writing done things I did accomplish that day, no matter how minor. It helps me feel a little bit better :)
COuld I feel like a crappier friend! I wish I knew you were having a bad day! I saw you several times and was just running around that I didn't notice... that and you are good at playing strong! You are the sweetest most talented girl I know! And you are the best mom! I will never forget when Madeline talked about her trip to the temple to take Jesus Cookies in Primary. You are AMAZING! Can't wait until April! A much needed break!
I love all these comments your friends left. Your mom's comment (i think it was your mom) is so sweet. Great idea listing (or trying!) 5 things that were good from your day. :)
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